Sta.sh
The birthplace of comets was
in the back of my mind, and you
were just the right combination
of space dust and frozen gases.
I pretended I could speak to fish
when you weren't around, the
fishtongue a celestial body on its own,
one whose orbit was different from yours
I wanted something eclectic other than your wisdom
(as eclectic as the ocean life crashing on the rocks,
underwater meteors impacting the shores), but
instead I left eclecticism to the scientists.
And even though you were a comet,
you were so deep in my ribcage
that it hurt to rip you out—but out you came,
crying as you left your dead mother-heart
Ripped out of orbit you streamed through
the eternity, the perpetuity you realized
you had always longed for; not even
the blackest of holes could stop you.
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First off; your mashing together of oceanic and celestial semantic fields is a little hard to fathom. Is there some kind of internal reasoning or contextual knowledge that I'm missing here, or is the connection just very very oblique? Either way, I'd certainly consider clarifying their relative relevance, as it's otherwise quite jarring to skip so readily between subjects without any kind of resolution between them forthcoming.
A full stop is missing from the end of stanza 2.
What's eclectic about ocean life crashing on the rocks? Who are these scientists, and to what else in the poem do they refer or interact with?
Adding to the confused collection of settings and registers already created by the ocean and space, you've now added your ribcage when, to be honest, I still haven't worked out what metaphor/s you were working to exploit or develop previously yet. Does this connect to the back of your mind, from earlier? Are you standing as a metaphor for space, the ocean, both?
The final stanza reads very conclusively, but resolves none of these open ambiguities or abject uncertainties. In short, it feels like you started telling me something with this poem, and then finished writing before you'd finished what you were trying to tell me. Basically, what do you mean to convey by this poem? Don't take it badly, I just don't know what your meaning is.
Yes, reading this over again, I really don't know what I was thinking, though that isn't much of an excuse. It is pretty much just an internal reasoning thing, so I'll be sure to fix this.
Ha, once again, an internal reasoning thing about ocean life being eclectic...and the scientists are a result of this internal reasoning.
Hm. I suppose the ribcage was my half-hearted/feeble attempt at joining things together, but I totally understand what you mean. Too many conflicting images.
Yes, the poem in its entirety is very ambiguous and jumbled. My original intention with it all was to focus on the space image, and then I somehow incorporated everything else from there (very poor reasoning on my part).
I'll definitely work on everything you've brought up. Your criticism-fury and honesty is greatly appreciated! I don't seem to get it enough. Thank you again, and I apologize for the long wait in my reply.